Category Archives: adhd

Dealing With Madness

It’s time to be honest. I am sick. I suffer from bipolar disorder and now I’m in a hypomaniac period. I always use to be more sad in the winter, some years worse, or some years not at all, almost. This winter is the worst for many years for me. That I can tell you right now. I have therefore on sick leave from work.

It was on my work I understood that something was wrong. Causing drama and getting angry at people, or over protective and paranoid, has been something normal the last weeks on my job. I got obsessed with a suspicion of that a college is suffering from psycical ilness and was cutting himself. I had no proof for it at all. It was just an obsessive idea I got from nowhere. I wanted to help him and inform my colleges about his problems. When they asked why I thought this about a co-worker, the only so called “proof” I had was no proof at all. Just me overthinking. People started to get annoyed at me and they gave me a really big remark for my accusations. As soon as I got the remark, I understood how wrong I was all the time. I had no proof. It was just my mind spooking. I started to feel ashamed about what I had done and later, I started to cry. I cryed so badly because I realised I was mentally ill and needed therapy for my mania.

The stress, pressure and worryness I have been caring since last week has surely been a big part of my hypomania. It was stress due to brawls at work almost every day, fear of losing good friends and all the other intrigues that has been going on for the last weeks. I sleep to little as well. Only about five or four hours by night, which make my brain overheated sometimes.

But the scariest things are the memory slots. Friends and family are telling me that I’ve done and said completely outrageous things, that I don’t remember myself. I was recently told, that when I celebrated my little brother’s birthday, I collected the food on my plate as normal, but suddenly, I left the table and came back with a handful och chicken right in my hand and just placing them on my plate. Not very nice and hygenic, especially not in these pandemic times. I had no memory at all of doing that, and I would never do it knowingly.

As you all can see, I am now home from work and this monday, I will go to the psychiatrist and start to deal with my mental issues. In the meantime I will soon be started with my novel.

However, there are some good news as well. The last month, I have lost over five kilo of my weight. And then I havn’t even tried.

A Happy New Year

I’m sorry I’m a bit late! But a happy new year to all my followers!

Here’s a little galley of me from baby to grown up. Time goes by so fast.

Sorry att jag är lite sen! Gott nytt år till alla mina följare!

Här är ett litet galleri på mig från bebis till vuxen. Tiden går så fort.

In the writing spirit

Jag har precis varit inne i ett par veckors skrivkramp. I två veckor har jag befunnit mig på sidan 39. Så nu ikväll släppte det äntligen! För första gången vill jag fortsätta skriva när jag väl börjar skriva. Innan dess har jag tröttnat efter ett par meningar på sistone. Med lite tur kan jag skriva av mig så pass mycket ikväll att jag kan njuta av min arbetsplats utan att längta hem till den där förbannade boken och lida av ständig prestationsångest. För första gången på säkert två veckor blev det roligt att skriva igen! Kramar på er alla, kära vänner!

About my Diagnoses

As some of you might know, I have four diagnostics on te paper. Tourettes Syndrom, ADHD, Aspergers Syndrom and Bipolar Disorder. It is a part of me and who I am and here I will go through all of them

ADHD, (Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder) use to include major or minor concentration difficulty and impulsivity. There are different varieties, but my biggest problem is my temper. I can get very angry due to minor problems. And when I am angry I can easily get an outburst. Even if I’ve learned to control it much better since I’ve become a grown male, I still have this anger within me for very small things.

Tourettes is a diagnose that incluedes different varieties of obsessional or compulsive actions or movements. These might look completely different from eachother. The common picture of Tourettes is a guy who sits in the middle of a crowd and screaming cursewords and insults at people, not because of rudeness, but of OCD. But Tourettes could actually include anything, even minor actions that not hurt anybody. OCD is a feeling that you just have to do things even if you have no reason to do it. The compulsive behavier intensifies by the fact that you know that you are NOT allowed to do it. For a person with serious Tourettes, it doesn’t help that this person know that what he does will lead to problems. Rather the opposite. It always seems to be the fact that a certain action is abusive or taboo, that will make it even harder to resist doing.

If you do not do certain actions in a specific way, like screaming a insulting slur at a person, or moving a glass on the table to the exactly right place. But it’s not always serious actions. The only thing they have in common, is that you feel forced to do it, even if nobody have forced you. The only one forcing you, is your mind. They are called tics. It might be blinking, stretching, moving your neck in a certain way, or sometimes, cursing at people. However, I have never had so much verbal tics, mostly minor movements. But I’ve become better and better to control them.

Stuttering is more usual you might think, but with me it has always been very obvious. It means that you start to hack or get stuck when you try to say something. Often some letters are more hard to say without stuttering, than others. My stuttering have sometimes been almost gone, and some periods I stutter a lot more. The worst is gone for me, but I still stutter a little.

Aspergers syndrome was something I got on the paper maybe eight years ago or something. It’s a complicated diagnose, because you cannot discribe it in one meaning like the others. Aspergers is nowadays included in the autism spectra and is a form of high functional autism. Autism includes a difficulty to see contexts and read between the lines, but a phenomenal mind for details that are interesting for you. People with autism or aspergers use to have problems with the social codes, mostly due to their special interests. People with Asperger are often very good at a special and rare topic. This means that they do not like small talk. For example, if I am hanging out with a friend, I don’t do small talk, I start to talk about science, politics, history and facts that I’m interested in, instead of asking about my friend’s interests. I’ve now so concious about it that I’ve started to control it more and more, since I’ve been older. Many people with aspergers might have hard to understand irony or sarcasm. I however have not.

Bipolar disorder. When you are depressed, everything feels bad and meaningless. The opposite is called mania and that means an exaggerated happiness, euphoria, energy and creativity. People with bipolarity tend to change from mania to depression with an interval of longer or shorter periods. The change from depression to mania, or from mania to depression can happen suddenly after a couple of days or weeks. A bipolar person in his depressive period is tired, sad and have dark feeling. But in the manic period, he or she are almost speeded, don’t need much sleep, and he talks, talks and talks about his brand new idéas and perspectives.

A lot of people say that these diagnostics are a gift or a strength, but they are not. Not for me, anyway. In some ways they can clearly be an advantage, but for most people it is also a daily struggle.

Worst of all, I think, is the new political correct word “functional variation”. It’s just another new word that normalises diagnoses in a way that makes the actual struggles for people with diasbilities invisible. The word functional variation was indeed a good word, but now when it is used as a synonyme to diagnose, the word diagnose loses it’s meaning. The purpose seems to be to insinuate that all people more or less have diagnoses and that is a problem. It undermines the groups that have actual diagnoses.

I do not think it’s okay to say that it’s okay to behave badly just because somebody have a diagnostics. Disabilities is not an excuse for bad behaviour. One time I even had a discussion with a woman who said she worked with children with disabilities. She went completely mad at me because I said that diagnostics is not an excuse. When I told her that I have disabilities and that I’ve learned to control them, she said that it is impossible to control. She even questioned if I really had diabilities.

This attitude makes me angry. I am not an stupid just because I have diasbilities. I know what I do and I am capable of making decisions, even if I have ADHD, and Aspergers and all what it’s called.

Another think that makes me both sad and angry is all the lies about Greta Thunberg, and all this unawarness about her aspergers. People think that she is retarded and that she have Down Syndrome. If people can’t see the difference between an intellectual disability and high functional autism, they should just shut up! People who say Greta Thunberg is a “mongo” or “retard” they are saying that I am a “mongo” or “retard”. And I do not accept it. I actually thought people after all these years would have better knowledge about autism and aspergers, but there is so much prejudice out there even today.

Hello There

You might be wondering what I’ve been up to lately. I enjoy my quarantine life as much as I can and I have made some important progress with my novel “Davanius.”

With these circumstances in in mind, I feel very well. I’m still unemployed but I am right now into a musical projekt with a producer with might take me into the beginning of my life as a music producer for films and videos.

I cannot say more than that, because it’s a little secret. Beside that, I really enjoy the spring weather.

Nyrakad och redo för nya äventyr.

New Year – New Hope

Hello! No time, no see! It’s a new year and also a new decade. To summerise 2019 I can say that it’s been a quite bad year for me. I didn’t feel very well in the college I went to, not because of the college, but because of my bipolarity and the dark time of the year.

And off course, it didn’t got better when I was folish enough to be imposed of 9000 Swedish crowns by an italian criminal. Off course it was my own fault. Nobody would trust a guy when he’s taking you to the bankomat. But I always get so mentally disabled when I see a person that claims he’s in big troble. I must be better at saying no.

And off course, I have become better at saying no this year. When springtime arrived, my depression faded away and the last months on Östra Grevie College was some of the happiest time in my life. I still miss the school deeply. The best part was i Krakow, Poland, wich I visited with the school in may.

In the summer I and my family went on another vacation at Gotland. I think it’s the fifth time now. I love Gotland and I surely enjoyed that summer and especially the vacation. I have failed with my habits this year. I weight more than ever and have tried several times with both gym and Lifesum. But as always, I fall back again into my old habits.

2019 was the first time I finished a book. It wasn’t published and I’m not satisfied, but still, I finally made a book and that’s just fantastic.

In the autumn I was practising on a job for marely a month, but due to my lack of driving license and the economic problems with the company, I couldn’t get a real job there, so I had to leave that place. Now I’ve been searching several jobs with no results.

I weally hope that this will be a better year. I have several projects in the making and I might get an appartment from a friend of mine if everything goes as planned.

And also, stay tuned about my latest single and lyric video, to be released this evening, only for purchase here on my blog. Stay tuned, my friends!

Being an aspie

Apologies to all of my followers from other countries. I’ve not posted an English post for a very long time. Mostly because of my ongoing Christmas challendar in Swedish. My callendar, which is political, have stirred up a lot of wrath and discussion on my page. I’ve lost several followers because of it. Actually I’m happy that it’s over soon. To much Jimmie Åkesson and politics, to little fantasy, novels and writing.

But straight to the point. I live in Sweden, the country from which a short teenage girl with braids come from. Yes, that’s right. Greta Thunberg has surely taken the world with storm. I am proud to be Swedish when I hear about people like Greta. But I’m also angry when I hear all the gossip and hate against her. I think it’s even more hate against Greta here in Sweden, than anywhere else. I don’t know why, but appearently, the hatred gets more and more perverse. It’s one thing to critisise her or have another opinion than her. But I’ve been forced to work with people who have the most evil and hateful thoughts against her.

I’ve had a boss that almost everyday called her DAMP-Greta. DAMP is an older Swedish word for ADHD, and is still used as an insult for people with some high temperament. “Jag får DAMP”, means “I got DAMP” and means that I lose my mind. Anyway. My boss often used that word. Even if I told him that I have the same diagnostics as her, and that I feel targeted and uncomfortable when he speaks like that. Sometimes he also said “poor mongoloide” about her. Mongoloide is an old word for people with Downs Syndrome. A lot of people in Sweden calls her both retarded and mentally ill. I’ve been working with these people. They made a lot of sex jokes about her as well.

Greta have Aspergers Syndrome and ended school with the highest grades in almost everything. People with aspergers syndrome are not retarded, as many Greta haters say. In fact, they tend to have a bit higher IQ than average. Einstein, Mozart and many other scientists and engineers, had Asperger.

The term Asperger does not exist anymore. Today it’s considered as a moderate form of autism. I got my Asperger diagnosics just some years before they made that change. Asperger means that you have a peoblem with social communication. You don’t like small talk, you just want to talk about the things you are very intrested in. People with Asperger tend to be very good at some unusual stuff, like art, music, drawing or science. It’s hard for them to se the whole picture. Understatements and sarcasm or irony, can be problematic for an aspie to detect. But our interest for details is extraordinary.

If you have asperger, you are often very good at theoretical, artistic and academic work, but you often have a problem with practical routines. That might be tying your shoes, cock food or drive a car.

Maybe the most detectable problem with most aspies, is their lack of sence for relevance in converstions and ability to see something from other people’s perspective. For example, a person with asperger suddenly start to talk about physics, music, history or science, or changing topic rapidly from weather and small talk, to trivial facts about biology, history or something related to fact.

So, that’s basically how it is for me and Greta, and for Einstein, Mozart and a lot of other people through history. Some other time, I will also tell you about my other diagnostics.